Amsterdammed

I just remembered something! Exactly one month ago I went to Amsterdam for Money2020 Europe. I think. Maybe I am remembering this wrong. It was hot and sunny when I got there, so I had an ice cream. I thought I’d try out something new but I wasn’t really paying attention so just chose some random flavour and in I went.

 

I got a bit confused and thought I was walking into a closet but actually it was a door into a another world. I can't really remember much after that, possibly because of the hot sun on my head. Claire wanted to go to the a night club to meet a friend of hers called C.C. Group and told me to come Next Door so I did. I asked for Mr. Group but no-one answered and Tim said something about open banking so I told everyone there that it was asymmetric.

I must have fallen asleep after that because the next thing I remember is this weird dream about running away to join the circus. When I got to the Big Top I saw a lady on a trapeze and some men making white chocolate ice cream and you could have anything you wanted smashed up into the ice cream so long as you wanted raspberries or Oreos so I chose Oreos.

 

I thought you weren't allowed to have animals at the circus any more but while I was looking for my friends, I came across two lovely doggies who showed me the way around.

There were clowns too, one of them dressed as Chris Skinner, and he told me that I had to be green in a room and to go on stage. I didn’t know what to do I went out and told them “roll up, roll up, for the greatest show on Earth” because I didn’t know any other circus things to say.

 

In my dream, I was talking to a man from Google about going from a wallet play to a more encompassing platform play. Then I was waiting for the jugglers to come on but instead El Mariachi came and told me that identity theft was a very bad thing and that biometrics can help to fix it.

 

I told him to get out of town but I knew he was right of course. Then I went on a boat on the canal. The canal was quiet and peaceful and much better than the street because in the street they were playing loud music and we were all dancing.

This is my friend Barry Blockhead. He told me that music should be distributed on a blockchain to ensure that artists get paid their royalities and that the moon is made of green cheese. I'd always suspected that cheese thing, so I think he's on to something, but that music thing sounds far-fetched to me.

I came across a Dutchman in a purple suit who told me that the Queen was coming but I didn't believe him until he bowed down for her.

The Queen told me that if I was good boy then I could have all of the curly-wurlies in the world to eat and I thought she was making it up but it turned out to be true so now I must do as she says.

Everyone was talking about identity and how it needed to be fixed and open banking and how it needed to be fixed and AI and how it needed to be fixed. I need to clear my head so I took a curly wurly and went to get a nice cup of coffee.

 

I was tired and I needed a bit of a pick-me-up but Sam said that I wasn’t allowed to stay for another coffee and made me come to the Italian red wine shop that served pasta on the side.

It’s all a bit hazy after that, to be honest, and when I woke up I was listening to Steve Wozniak, who invented Apple computers, said that robots could be ethical and that they might not turn into Terminators and kill us all but I think he was probably just being Californian and optimistic.

The next day, I met the Bulls and the Bears who were Clara Durodie from Cognitive Finance, Terry Cordeiro from Lloyds Banking, Emma Stromfelt from Swedbank and Prof. Markos Zachariadis from Warwick Business School. Emma is the Princess of AI, and we all bow down to her.

When I got up from bowing I was in Room 101 but instead of Frank Skinner there was that Dutchman in a purple suit again. So it’s possible I was still asleep and dreaming. I get mixed up sometimes.

The Dutchman in a purple suit asked me what I wanted to put in Room 101 so I told him the blockchain and everyone cheered and he gave me a crown.

 

After I got the crown, I figured that now I was the king and decided to leave behind the Queen and the curly wurlies and I tried quite a few different doors until I managed to get out. But I did, and now I feel brave enough to tell you all what went on in the big tent. I thought I was on drugs, but it turns out that all of this actually happened. See you in Amsterdam for Money 2020 next year.